Icon Post - Bloodrayne

[trancer21]

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It's been reported there's a Bloodrayne sequel in the works and, due to scheduling conflicts, Kristanna Loken won't be reprising the role. I can only imagine how the conversation between Uwe and Kristanna went:

Uwe: Kris, babe, so how's about doing a sequel?
Kristanna: I don't know. I'm kinda busy.
Uwe: Aw, c'mon, you can't be *that* busy!!
Kristanna: *checks dayplanner* 8am - Sex with Michelle, 10am - Pilates Class, 12:30 - Lunch, 2pm - Sex with Michelle. Sorry Uwe, I'm really busy. Could you hang on for a sec, I got another call. *clicks over* Hello?
Michelle: Hey schnookums, where are you? I thought we were going to have an 11am quickie at Casa de la Lesbos? I brought the chocolate sauce for the Sappho Sundae we were gonna make!
Kristanna: *blank stare* I'll be right over *clicks over* Hey Uwe?
Uwe: ..of course she'll do the movie. She's totally in to me. You should have seen her on the set, she was all over me..
Kristanna: UWE!!
Uwe: Eeep...yes, Kris, babe!
Kristanna: Sorry, can't do the movie. Gotta go. And could you not call me anytime in the future.. or, well, ever.

I'm not sure what can be said about this movie that hasn't already been said. Other than I wish I smoked pot because the only conceivable way to enjoy it is completely stoned. It would be one thing if this were some no-budget cheapie produced by a film school flunkie with delusions of grandeur. But, with a budget of 25 million, there really is no excuse for this movie being so completely lame. It's almost, kinda fun to watch it in a 20/20 is hindsight way. Because knowing Michelle and Kristanna were humping like bunnies during the making of this is *almost* like a consulation prize. Almost.

The strange thing is that this is Uwe's "best" movie. And if there is a highlight it's in the complete WTF? casting. Michael Madsen in a non-New York period piece. Matt Davis stinking up every scene he's in. Michelle Rodriguez wearing blue contact lenses and stealing Kevin Costner's 'Worst English Accent Ever' award. Meat Loaf. Meat Loaf people! Billy Zane, who will pretty much star in anything as long as he gets a paycheck. And then there's poor 'I won a friggin Oscar, people!' Ben Kingsley. Who looks like he's about to crack up everytime he's onscreen.

It should also be noted that this was written by Guienevere Turner. I'm sure it would be easy for her to say that Uwe "ruined" her script. but, no. This thing was a hackneyed mess from the start. Which I'm almost certain Turner wrote solely for the money, and completed on a weekened during a cocaine and hooker fueled binge. Becuase there is *no* excuse for the lack of Kristanna and Michelle makeout scene. Bad Guin, no biscuit for you.

In the end, this movie turns me into a drunken frat boy becauase after sitting through its excruciatingly long 95 minutes I'm left staring at the box yelling 'dammit, I spent twenty bucks on you, the least you could do is put out!'.

Anyhoo, I made some icons of the best parts of the movie (which should be like 5 icons, heh). They're pretty much all of Kristanna and Michelle because I'm pretty certain no one wants an icon of Michael Madsen in the worst mullet shaped wig in the history of onscreen wiggery. Oh and there's one of Udo Keir thrown in. Because *everyone* should have an Udo Kier icon!

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Created with angelamaria's Icon Table Generator @ Bauble

Comments

[geonncannon.livejournal.com]

I don't know, 51 and 53 show SOME promise ;-D

But I'll take your word for the awfulness of the movie and just enjoy the pretty, pretty icons. *G*

[trancer21.livejournal.com]

I'd like to say it's an 'awfullness' that must be seen to be believed, except, I don't want anyone else to experience the pain that is watching Bloodrayne!

But, Kristanna Loken *is* awfully pretty.

[ripley78.livejournal.com]

There really IS no excuse for the lameness of the movie, but the WORST part, worse than actually watching the movie in and of itself, is the damn commentary! Seriously, people were PROUD of that piece of shit! It had SO much promise, and it couldn't even pull off "bad video game remake" kind of corniness to it, you know, the thing that made Mortal Kombat bearable.

Once I stopped taking the movie seriously, I started enjoying it, cause it ended up being HILARIOUS. I laughed for 10 minutes straight when Rayne started fucking the guy out of nowhere against metal bars. It was gratuitous sex in it's WORST form!

The accents I won't even touch, though Natalie Portman was a tad off in V for Vendetta, she was passable, half the accents in this movie were HORRIBLE. Pretty much the only passable accents were the people who were ACTUALLY ENGLISH!

And the graphics, my god, the graphics. I get that they didn't want to use CGI, but this movie had a decent budget, not the budget from a B horror movie. The gore in the FIRST Evil Dead, you know, the one that was working on a budget I believe significantly less than $1 mil was more believable than this movie! I laughed when blood squirted 30 feet out of an obvious tube, sticking out of an obvious dummy, rigged to obviously split apart on queue.

Oh, and I dunno if it was just the unrated version, but what the hell was up with the five minutes at the end that was nothing but a montage of EVERYTHING we just WATCHED in the movie?

Seriously, someone needs to lock up Uwe Ball and Paul W.S. Anderson. They both are HORRIBLE at movie making, and both think they have the Midas touch. I mean this movie made Dungeons & Dragons look like Lord of the Rings.

[trancer21.livejournal.com]

It was gratuitous sex in it's WORST form!

Oh man, if there's nothing worse than a badly directed fight scene, which this movie had plenty of, it's a badly directed sex scene! What *was* the point of them banging each other against the bars when there was a perfectly usable bed right behind them!! And don't get me started on the multiple shots of KL's breasts and yet the obscured shots of her backside!?!

but what the hell was up with the five minutes at the end that was nothing but a montage of EVERYTHING we just WATCHED in the movie?

Lol, I have NO idea. Like, they'd already hit the 90 minute mark by that time so the montage, aside from killing time, made no frakkin' sense. I kept watching waiting for some sort of answer but, nope, just a fade to black and start of credits.

Seriously, someone needs to lock up Uwe Ball and Paul W.S. Anderson.

Maybe that's who Boll should have been boxing rather than the critics who dared disparage his wastes of celluloid. And would you believe Boll's next movie, A Dunegon Siege Tale, has a budget of $60 million!?!

[ripley78.livejournal.com]

And don't get me started on the multiple shots of KL's breasts and yet the obscured shots of her backside!?!

Don't you know, they used up all their brownie points with the MPAA for the gruesome, awesome, bloody, "These fight scenes will make Gladiator look like childsplay", scenes. No room for TnA, at least not TnA that's actually appealing. If I'm laughing during a scene I can't properly appreciate the Kristanna boobage, so I'll watch T3 instead.

I kept watching waiting for some sort of answer but, nope, just a fade to black and start of credits.

So did I! I even went so far to see if there was something AFTER the credits, sadly, the joke was on me.

Maybe that's who Boll should have been boxing rather than the critics who dared disparage his wastes of celluloid. And would you believe Boll's next movie, A Dunegon Siege Tale, has a budget of $60 million!?!

Good god, someone gave him a camera and pen again?! Seriously, why do companies continue to give this guy high budgets like that? Other than collecting numerous Razzie's, has he EVER directed something that did WELL in the theater?

Of course, I always say the same thing about Paul W.S. Anderson, though the only reason why I tolerate the RE movies is because Milla Jovovich tends to have wicked sapphic chemistry with her costars. And she's hot. And it's more fun now that she dumped his goofy ass. And, no matter how bad the movies are, I just love Milla Jovovich *g*, she always gives 100% in every movie she is in.

Besides, Ultraviolet is what Aeon Flux SHOULD have been, it was just unfortunately released after the crap that was Aeon Flux, giving it bad karma by default.

[emorykills.livejournal.com]

Worst movie EVER! Wes and I went to this and started coming up with our own dialogue... IN the theatre. The sex scene was painful. Not even the awesome boobage could recover this movie. And I can't believe they're debating a sequel... please god no!!

[ralst.livejournal.com]

If I hadn't already suffered through this tripe your icons would have convinced me that it was a 'must watch'. Now that takes talent.

I never figured out why they were trying to have English accents. A sort of undisclosed Eastern European accent I could kind of understand, as that's where most of the vampire legends seem to have them originate, but very bad English accents AND scenery and sets that aren't the slightest bit English? Makes no sense.

Although why I'm trying to make any part of this movie make sense is beyond me.

Give me 25 million, Kritanna, Michelle and a castle in the woods and I could make a better picture than this.

[ripley78.livejournal.com]

Hah, the sets looked like something a High School drama class would put together with a budget of a couple hundred dollars. The swords looked like PLASTIC for christ sakes! And the fight scenes were

sooo....

verrrryyy....

slllooowwww.....

With how those guys were moving their swords around, enemies could easily just...step back. I guess they blew the budget for the camera that would give everything the "Saving Private Ryan" speed and crispness.

[ariestess]

I heard so much about Bloodrayne at Gatecon last year. And I got to see/meet Uwe Boll, too. He's... Well, we'll just leave it at the fact that I'll probably never see any of his films based on his personality and attitude toward other people...

[badtyler.livejournal.com]

I will forgive you for making me fall out of my chair... again-- because your imaginary conversation was too freakin' funny!

And thank you for saving me precious time... time I would have wasted watching the movie! It looks OK from the icons, but... nevermind. I'll sit this one out.

*g*

[murasaki1200.livejournal.com]

The icons are making me think once again that I should watch the movie. Maybe if I multitask and do something productive while watching it?