Icon Post - Bloodrayne

[trancer21]

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It's been reported there's a Bloodrayne sequel in the works and, due to scheduling conflicts, Kristanna Loken won't be reprising the role. I can only imagine how the conversation between Uwe and Kristanna went:

Uwe: Kris, babe, so how's about doing a sequel?
Kristanna: I don't know. I'm kinda busy.
Uwe: Aw, c'mon, you can't be *that* busy!!
Kristanna: *checks dayplanner* 8am - Sex with Michelle, 10am - Pilates Class, 12:30 - Lunch, 2pm - Sex with Michelle. Sorry Uwe, I'm really busy. Could you hang on for a sec, I got another call. *clicks over* Hello?
Michelle: Hey schnookums, where are you? I thought we were going to have an 11am quickie at Casa de la Lesbos? I brought the chocolate sauce for the Sappho Sundae we were gonna make!
Kristanna: *blank stare* I'll be right over *clicks over* Hey Uwe?
Uwe: ..of course she'll do the movie. She's totally in to me. You should have seen her on the set, she was all over me..
Kristanna: UWE!!
Uwe: Eeep...yes, Kris, babe!
Kristanna: Sorry, can't do the movie. Gotta go. And could you not call me anytime in the future.. or, well, ever.

I'm not sure what can be said about this movie that hasn't already been said. Other than I wish I smoked pot because the only conceivable way to enjoy it is completely stoned. It would be one thing if this were some no-budget cheapie produced by a film school flunkie with delusions of grandeur. But, with a budget of 25 million, there really is no excuse for this movie being so completely lame. It's almost, kinda fun to watch it in a 20/20 is hindsight way. Because knowing Michelle and Kristanna were humping like bunnies during the making of this is *almost* like a consulation prize. Almost.

The strange thing is that this is Uwe's "best" movie. And if there is a highlight it's in the complete WTF? casting. Michael Madsen in a non-New York period piece. Matt Davis stinking up every scene he's in. Michelle Rodriguez wearing blue contact lenses and stealing Kevin Costner's 'Worst English Accent Ever' award. Meat Loaf. Meat Loaf people! Billy Zane, who will pretty much star in anything as long as he gets a paycheck. And then there's poor 'I won a friggin Oscar, people!' Ben Kingsley. Who looks like he's about to crack up everytime he's onscreen.

It should also be noted that this was written by Guienevere Turner. I'm sure it would be easy for her to say that Uwe "ruined" her script. but, no. This thing was a hackneyed mess from the start. Which I'm almost certain Turner wrote solely for the money, and completed on a weekened during a cocaine and hooker fueled binge. Becuase there is *no* excuse for the lack of Kristanna and Michelle makeout scene. Bad Guin, no biscuit for you.

In the end, this movie turns me into a drunken frat boy becauase after sitting through its excruciatingly long 95 minutes I'm left staring at the box yelling 'dammit, I spent twenty bucks on you, the least you could do is put out!'.

Anyhoo, I made some icons of the best parts of the movie (which should be like 5 icons, heh). They're pretty much all of Kristanna and Michelle because I'm pretty certain no one wants an icon of Michael Madsen in the worst mullet shaped wig in the history of onscreen wiggery. Oh and there's one of Udo Keir thrown in. Because *everyone* should have an Udo Kier icon!

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Created with angelamaria's Icon Table Generator @ Bauble